Words

Trash Day

“Trash Day”

Sweeping up the deterioration of 2 into 1 large, unrecognizable mass

A pile of heart aches and lessons learned gather together from the past

As I swallow the slightly bitter but far sweeter taste of declaring this day as my last

As the sole owner, handler and disposer of one mother fuckin nasty piece of trash 

And I close trash day with this

I may never be normal, successful or rich

But it sure as hell beats living the life of a selfish and sad ass bitch

Retorts and defense, as I straddle both sides of this fence 

Wavering in suspense, praying to see some small glimpse of common sense

Though never to be found amidst the lose change of all my emotions

Of all my possessions

Of all of me

At all of my expense 

But fuck that, this shits about that bitch 

The one I opened my heart and home to

Exposing all my pros and cons to

Page by page through 

The book of love like I thought I was supposed to

Extracting every atom this humanly body is made of

Just so I could show you

The extent that would go to

Everything that I would go through

Just for you

Because I loved you

But to my surprise 

You came prepped with a smiling guise 

As a loving compromise 

Masking the oceans of undiscovered tears never given opportunities to cry 

Stemming from childhoods lost little girl still wondering around aimlessly inside

Raised with soft and struggling moments of love that came and went like the tides 

Love and hate 

In your dark and lifeless eyes 

Now swam side by side 

Love and hate, observed through such damaged perceptions no longer saw the divide 

Love became hate, overrun by the personal protection of your own power, possession and pride

And only when finally faced with love of the purest kind

Did your adolescent mind 

For the very first time 

Begin to understand, 

Begin to realize...

The one critical thing that all of your daddy's money 

Has never

Could ever

Will never 

Be able to buy

I sometimes still cry

Not for your sad and sorry life

Not for the delusions that made you believe you might ever have the chance of one day becoming my wife

Not for all the broken glass

Not for all the physical, verbal, spiritual, and emotional weapons you countlessly called upon to break my spirit and break my ass

Not for telling myself one too many times that this time would be the last

Not for succumbing to the jealousy driven, untrusting, unloving, unworthy and unrelenting outlandish line of questions you constantly felt so compelled to ask

Not for overlooking and undermining our core value contrast 

Not for the wasted and weary past

Not even for the precious seconds, minutes, hours, days and moths of my life given to such a manipulative piece of trash

That came straight from the filthiest lowest gutter of the del mar bitch ass

upper white motherfuckin class

uh uh…I could never let you, thoughts of you, the mere memory of you ever take up such mass

in my mind

in my life 

in my reality

no see, I sometimes still cry tears of joy 

knowing I no longer have to decipher jungle gyms of gibberish attempting to

explain how blaming me and never really giving a shit 

somehow transliterated into your definition of try

Or hearing the reason behind 

Why no one gets you, 

And thinks your a bitch off the bat 

is really just because your quiet and shy

no longer will I have to hear you say how its all about your daughter 

when I couldn’t find that bitch in a book of Where’s Waldo or in a game of I spy , even if I tried

how never again will I have to look inside

those cold black eyes, 

tell you goodbye 

only to endure your commonly aggressive reply

Ending with scars that run deeper than my typical black eye 

No more, never listening to another ear piercing, gut wrenching heart breaking lie

That I confront you about only to hear you deny the lie on top of lie on top of lie lie lie 

Basking in the glory knowing that the 1 thing you won't find on the endless list of shit your daddy's dollar bills can buy 

is Happiness: 

The very virtue I'll choose to live the rest of my merry motherfuckin life by

And No longer accepting any amount of guilt when you tell me the day you live without me is the day you die

If it must be, so be it

That you are no longer a responsibility of mine as I see it

Believe it 

I see it

I'll say it

Even if it still hurts to say 

Even on days when I my lungs won't produce the air the breathe it 

Even the days my vocal cords won't produce the sound to say it 

Even the days my lips won't motion the words to speak it 

I'll sign it

I'll mime it

I'll interpretive dance this fuckin shit all the way up and out of this hell like hole you've attempted to burry me in

I'll close you up, tuck you away and carry you in

A real masculine, satchel like, cross the shoulder man purse right back to where we began

Rest you soft upon the starting line 

And stomp my motherfuckin victory lap of permanently erasing you from 

All memory

All thought

All history from me

My heart 

My soul 

And my mind

Let Me Live (The Prayer)

Let Me Live (The Prayer)

I’m ready to let you have it

and this may be all I have left to give

these very words to you

this is my last plea to let me live

So I’m gonna ask you:

How are you going to reach down inside me

to plant your seeds of hope

just to water me down with doubt

and no means or methods to cope

How are you going to build my heart

out of strength, humility and ration

just to make it pump through my veins

vulnerability, fear and passion

How are going to make me dig deeper

Internalize

Criticize

Rationalize

Realize

and apologize

When you knew damn well

those were the very efforts

that would only lead to my demise

How are you going to paint this picture of me

inside your extravagant expectation

just to leave me stranded

on a blank canvas

completely void of journey or destination

How are you going to make me question this life

but then offer no relief

how are you going to make me get down on my knees for you

when you knew I’d only end up standing in disbelief

How are you going fill my head

constantly

constantly

making me think there’s something different

something more

If this is it

if this is really all you have in store

I’d be okay with this reality

if you’d let me be okay with being done

and yet you keep my heart chasing

burning

believing

that something “big” has just begun

And I want to believe

I want to believe that you know what’s best

and that all these tears, fears and frustrations

really are just your test

Well I’ll be the first to tell you

I’ve failed this part

so it’s time for me to move on now

and reconnect with my heart

You know what I’m lookin for

You know what I have to give

so I’m asking for your help now

God, I need your help to let me live…

Tall Girl

Tall Girl

I’m so interested to see

What you think of me

Who you think I am

And damn!

I just love it when you point and stare

As if you think that I don’t care

And that piercing glare

Coming from your eyes

Has become the only thing that I despise

And then I love when you stop just to ask

“Hey, do you play basketball?

Cause, being that tall, that’s all you gotta be good at, right?”

I can’t even put up a fight anymore

Cause even though I don’t play anymore

I still seem to be your little basketball whore

It’s the only profile you let me fit into

Even though their other things I like to get into

You just can’t give into

The fact that I like to do other things

I like to do my hair, wear skirts and earrings

Takin long walks on the beach

Maybe read a book

Takin bubble baths

And tryin to cook

Balancing ten things at the same

Studying feminist thought

While writin this rhyme

But wait wait

You can’t imagine a girl my size

Writin these words

Youre so perturbed

“I mean let’s be real girl, that ain’t you,

basketball’s what you do!”

I saw that look on your face

When you told me that’s my place

That place on the court

“basketball girl, that’s your sport!”

or do you mean my burden

the changes that bind

the thing that won’t allow me to grow

and that keeps your ass blind to the fact

that my happiness was all an act

just to please you and your four little kids

I’m tall and I can dribble so that’s what I did

And it remains the same

I had no love in my heart for that game

It’s just a game

IT’S JUST A FUCKIN GAME!    

I am someone without it

I swear I can survive without it

My heart is still pumpin inside

My soul is still filled with pride

And I can STILL cross you over and take your ass for a ride

And my strength is somethin I cannot hide

I’m a strong women with a ball in my hand or not

And I understand that seems to be something that you forgot

But be sure that I’ll remind and let you know

That there are other things I must do to let myself grow

So the next time you see a tall girl walking down the street

Try not to laugh with your friends and point at her big ass feet

And whatever you do, please don’t ask if she plays basketball

Cause ya’ll

Sports may be something she ain’t interested in at all

Just let her shine as she walks by

And when you catch her doin somethin else

Don’t bother to ask why

She’s just doin her thing and ain’t questionin you

Just let the girl be

And do what she gotta do