Trash Day

“Trash Day”

Sweeping up the deterioration of 2 into 1 large, unrecognizable mass

A pile of heart aches and lessons learned gather together from the past

As I swallow the slightly bitter but far sweeter taste of declaring this day as my last

As the sole owner, handler and disposer of one mother fuckin nasty piece of trash 

And I close trash day with this

I may never be normal, successful or rich

But it sure as hell beats living the life of a selfish and sad ass bitch

Retorts and defense, as I straddle both sides of this fence 

Wavering in suspense, praying to see some small glimpse of common sense

Though never to be found amidst the lose change of all my emotions

Of all my possessions

Of all of me

At all of my expense 

But fuck that, this shits about that bitch 

The one I opened my heart and home to

Exposing all my pros and cons to

Page by page through 

The book of love like I thought I was supposed to

Extracting every atom this humanly body is made of

Just so I could show you

The extent that would go to

Everything that I would go through

Just for you

Because I loved you

But to my surprise 

You came prepped with a smiling guise 

As a loving compromise 

Masking the oceans of undiscovered tears never given opportunities to cry 

Stemming from childhoods lost little girl still wondering around aimlessly inside

Raised with soft and struggling moments of love that came and went like the tides 

Love and hate 

In your dark and lifeless eyes 

Now swam side by side 

Love and hate, observed through such damaged perceptions no longer saw the divide 

Love became hate, overrun by the personal protection of your own power, possession and pride

And only when finally faced with love of the purest kind

Did your adolescent mind 

For the very first time 

Begin to understand, 

Begin to realize...

The one critical thing that all of your daddy's money 

Has never

Could ever

Will never 

Be able to buy

I sometimes still cry

Not for your sad and sorry life

Not for the delusions that made you believe you might ever have the chance of one day becoming my wife

Not for all the broken glass

Not for all the physical, verbal, spiritual, and emotional weapons you countlessly called upon to break my spirit and break my ass

Not for telling myself one too many times that this time would be the last

Not for succumbing to the jealousy driven, untrusting, unloving, unworthy and unrelenting outlandish line of questions you constantly felt so compelled to ask

Not for overlooking and undermining our core value contrast 

Not for the wasted and weary past

Not even for the precious seconds, minutes, hours, days and moths of my life given to such a manipulative piece of trash

That came straight from the filthiest lowest gutter of the del mar bitch ass

upper white motherfuckin class

uh uh…I could never let you, thoughts of you, the mere memory of you ever take up such mass

in my mind

in my life 

in my reality

no see, I sometimes still cry tears of joy 

knowing I no longer have to decipher jungle gyms of gibberish attempting to

explain how blaming me and never really giving a shit 

somehow transliterated into your definition of try

Or hearing the reason behind 

Why no one gets you, 

And thinks your a bitch off the bat 

is really just because your quiet and shy

no longer will I have to hear you say how its all about your daughter 

when I couldn’t find that bitch in a book of Where’s Waldo or in a game of I spy , even if I tried

how never again will I have to look inside

those cold black eyes, 

tell you goodbye 

only to endure your commonly aggressive reply

Ending with scars that run deeper than my typical black eye 

No more, never listening to another ear piercing, gut wrenching heart breaking lie

That I confront you about only to hear you deny the lie on top of lie on top of lie lie lie 

Basking in the glory knowing that the 1 thing you won't find on the endless list of shit your daddy's dollar bills can buy 

is Happiness: 

The very virtue I'll choose to live the rest of my merry motherfuckin life by

And No longer accepting any amount of guilt when you tell me the day you live without me is the day you die

If it must be, so be it

That you are no longer a responsibility of mine as I see it

Believe it 

I see it

I'll say it

Even if it still hurts to say 

Even on days when I my lungs won't produce the air the breathe it 

Even the days my vocal cords won't produce the sound to say it 

Even the days my lips won't motion the words to speak it 

I'll sign it

I'll mime it

I'll interpretive dance this fuckin shit all the way up and out of this hell like hole you've attempted to burry me in

I'll close you up, tuck you away and carry you in

A real masculine, satchel like, cross the shoulder man purse right back to where we began

Rest you soft upon the starting line 

And stomp my motherfuckin victory lap of permanently erasing you from 

All memory

All thought

All history from me

My heart 

My soul 

And my mind